Where I need to be.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” — Douglas Adams

Did I mention I have fears? I might have mentioned that once or twice.

Did I mention I have become something of a recluse, a hermit almost, over the last couple of years? Did I mention my social skills, never great to begin with, have essentially atrophied to zero? Did I mention that? Did I mention that I – I who once hiked completely across the Grand Canyon in fourteen hours during temperatures up to 125 degrees – I have become almost comatose and out of shape during the last couple of years. I don’t guess I mentioned that, did I?

Did I mention that my brain went into hibernation a few years ago and no matter how I poke it and jab it, it just doesn’t seem to want to wake up. I probably didn’t mention that either.

So, no matter how much this scares me, I know this is something I have to do if I want to live because, really, right now I might as well be dead. I eat. I sleep. I breath in. I breath out. But I’m not living.

I go for days sometimes without seeing anyone, without talking to anyone. And then, that string of days is usually only broken up by going to Wal-Mart and talking to the checkout person. If this all sounds too pathetic to you, think how it sounds to me whose life it is!

So, that is why, if there needs to be a “why”. There is still a spark in me that just refuses to lay down and die like a good little senior citizen. I am going to get out there in the world. I am going to get dirty and uncomfortable and tired and hungry, and yes, I know this old body is going to hurt – maybe a lot.

It is better than dying here in this sterile house alone though. I fear that even more.


4 thoughts on “Where I need to be.

  1. Hey my new amigo, first of all this sounds alot like my story 5 ir 6 months ago…the why is the same, the feelings were the same…and for the record you will get into shape real quick with the boat rides, the packing of everything you buy to eat or live, with the walks up and down the streets…so do not even worry about being out of shape…lol…cause this will change, and so will your diet which will help the body get strong and the mind…once the body is strong and your diet improves with no chemicals, no additives, all fresh and half to more of each meal being raw foods you will feel inside and out like a mature man, not an old or older man…I know trust me…am here and doing it… and just the fact you are preparing for the trip is getting that stagnant mind of working again…you will be fine, and if you have moments where you are not…you have a friend with a family across the lake close by to get support and laughter…sounds to me like laughter is something you need to be working on…a sense of humor…fears…so very real…i have them myself…had them before I left…and guess what…everything i feared before i left never came to pass in the past 5 months…lol…so i worried for nothing…lol…instead crap I never even thought about has given me a run for my money…and the trick is to have a good support system, know everything is just a learning curve and opportunity for growth…and when all else fails, i have a good bawl , cleanse with the tears and the drain and pick myself up and dust off…you are older than I and I am sure you been there before and know how to do this…lol…be thrilled and happy you made a choice to continue to change and grow…to live…so many dont as you know and they become old in spirit and mind and body…looking forward to shaking your hand and saying hello in person…one artist to another in this strange land i call home for the moment…lol diane

    • Thank you diane. I appreciate all the kind words. I look forward to seeing you. I know you’ll have some stuff painted when I get there. 🙂

  2. Hey Ed my old buddy old friend…..no emphasis on old, instead may it be considered “for a long time” you have been my friend….. catching up on your blog……so did the house sell? when do you leave on your adventure? You are truly one of the most courageous and creative people I know. Keep posting.

    • Howdy Dana. Thank you. The house hasn’t sold yet but I have an offer with a contingency. Won’t know for sure until Monday. When I take off sort of depends on that right now. It could be as early as the first week in November but no later than the end of January.

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